Don’t be Smart

No, seriously don’t. If you have had good grades most of your life and despite your bouts of depression scored better than most of your class, people are always going to say you are making your depression up. I have been told that exact same thing.

“Oh but you don’t seem to be struggling with work?!”

“Attention seeker much?”

“She just can’t deal with not being good” (Which is ironic)

All through my O and A-levels and for the last 3 years in my Bachelors degree I have scored consistently better than most. But that doesn’t mean that I am making up my depression. It’s like if you are smart (in the grades sense at least) you are going to have crash and burn to ‘prove’ to people you have depression. Just so they can say “Well you need to buckle up. Will power blah blah.”

Give me a break! I didn’t get out of my dorm room for over a MONTH other than to get take away or use the wash room. I am someone who genuinely enjoys cleaning, mostly cause my dust allergy is horrible. And that same me spent over a month in a room where dust and hair layered the floor. If I could travel back to four months ago I would hug that me, because it breaks my heart. Yes, I scored better than most, because some topics are easier for me (Genetics for instance) but I didn’t nearly do half as good as I would have w/o depression. I am postponing starting my Honours course by a semester because I need the time. I am a private person who won’t put up a facebook status saying I am depressed or I want to kill myself. Nor will I want to cry in public in front of strangers. (Except that one time I broke down on a beach before the Hospital on my way to my friend’s place). But nooooo I am making it up because my academic career doesn’t resemble a complete war zone.

In other news, it’s been 16 days I have been on ProDep and Xanax. They seem to be working well, haven’t had a single episode (even with my Mother in hospital), it’s like a cotton wall in my brain.

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